Mourning the Self We Lost to Survive

There's a grief that doesn't always get named.

Not the kind born from death or departure, but the kind that comes from living,

from surviving what should have broken us.

That's the grief of identity.

The ache of becoming a stranger to yourself in the name of making it through.

The quiet funeral held in your chest for all the selves you buried:

the playful one,

the soft one,

the daring one,

the one who wanted too much,

or loved too loudly,

or refused to shrink.

I have walked through many fires.

Some were betrayals that shattered me,

some were born from generational pain and patterns,

and others were carved into my bones by roles I was expected to play:

dutiful daughter,

perfect partner,

healer who never breaks.

But somewhere along the way,

I stopped hearing my own voice.

Stopped trusting it.

I became a collection of shoulds and survival strategies,

held together with guilt and enduring.

And when the betrayals came, 

when trust was gutted and desire silenced, 

when truth burned through illusions, I was left standing in the ash,

not only grieving the wound,  

but mourning the woman I'd abandoned along the way.

The grief of identity is layered.

It holds ancestral echoes,

the women who weren't allowed to choose, 

the ones called selfish for wanting more,

the ones who bent until they broke.

It holds the pain or self-betrayal,

of silencing your no,

or tucking your longing away, 

of apologizing for your power.

But here's the thing about fire:

it doesn't just destroy.

It clears.

It purifies.

It makes way.

And from ash, something ancient stirs.

A knowing. A voice. A breath.

A girl I once buried now whispers, 

"I'm still here."

This is where I am now. 

Not trying to return to who I was before it all, 

but learning to meet the woman emerging from the wreckage.

The one with soot on her cheeks and wings made of smoke and truth.

The one who speaks with clarity,

and chooses herself, again and again.

If you're reading this and your chest aches,

if your grief has no name but you feel it anyway,

you're not alone.

There is nothing wrong with you for mourning who you used to be.

And there is everything right with you for choosing to become who you were always meant to be.

Let the fire burn.

Let the smoke rise.

Let the ones you lost return home to your bones.

You don't own anyone the version of you that was never truly yours.

Let her rise.

Companion Practices for Grieving Identity Loss

• Name the loss. 

Write a letter to the parts of yourself you had to let go of. Thank them. Grieve them. Ask what they need now.

• Return to the body. 

Begin a sensory ritual, like dancing in water, lighting a candle before journaling, or touching the earth barefoot. Let your body remember what truth feels like.

• Follow the ache. 

What parts of you feel tender when you see someone living freely, sensually, powerfully? That ache is a breadcrumb. Follow it.

• Let the fire speak. 

Use this journal prompt: "What have I outgrown that I still wear to make others comfortable?" Or, "Who would I be if I stopped apologizing for my power?"

• Create a 'homecoming' altar. 

Add objects, words, scents, or images that honor the you that is returning. Visit her. Let her know she's welcome.

This path is not linear. It spirals and burns and softens.

But every step is a return.

And every return, a resurrection.

Let her rise.

Let you rise.

It's time. 

If this spoke to you, you may want to explore more through my upcoming grief series, where we'll continue honoring the losses we carry. Not just the ones others see, but the ones we've tucked away inside.

And if you're seeking community, ritual, and support as you walk your own return: join me inside The Hallowed Gathering,  a sacred space for soul-deep healing, connection, and grief tending.

You don't have to do this alone.

Amy